January

January 

As this week marks the end of January, I feel like “wow what a yeah, huh?” and wait for someone to deadpan respond with “It’s February” You know like that moment in 30 Rock. 

I always think that in the beginning of the year that it will be different. That the wreckage that was the previous year will suddenly go away and just because it is January I will be cured of all my illness’ and I will move on. I have to keep reminding myself that that often does not happen. January is normally the hardest month for me. I put a lot of pressure on myself to meet all the goals I made for myself and juggle 700 things. The truth is, is that is does not happen often and my mental health takes a huge hit. It is not cute and often very taxing because I feel as though I have to keep it all together even though I am falling apart at the seams. 

To be honest I was really hopeful for this January and the start of a new year, this one felt different. My mental health has been in flux and mainly down since about September and I had been really open about it with everyone around me. I wanted the start of the new year to give me a “breath of fresh air,” to help me start a new. But, boy was I wrong, so wrong. What actually ended up happening was that I leaned so heavily into my sadness that it became me. Things have been a little tough over here since September and they finally came to a head and popped! I have felt suffocated by myself to the point that I hardly feel like myself at all. I moved away from everything that has made me happy, even though I did not feel like I was. I started bursting at the seams, leaking everywhere, including places that I did not want it to. 

One of the biggest reasons that my life has been a wild ride is my work life balance. I work in a mental health facility as a therapist, which is taxing enough as it is. I have been there for over a year but for the past six months there have been A LOT of changes with the company and it has lead to an intense amount of burn out. I get to work early in the morning and sometimes do not get home until late at night leaving me so tired and with no energy to give to my partner or friends. It has seriously impacted my workout schedule which helps ease my anxiety and I stopped making art as often as I was. Truthfully, I have not been giving enough time to myself. Through working an intense job, being tired, stressed and all around sad, a lot of things just fell by the wayside. I am hardly spending any time alone with myself unless I am on the couch watching TV that I don't even remember watching. I have been on auto- pilot for months. It is also the winter so sometimes this happens, but this year there has been a HUGE shift. In the summer I spent so much time alone with myself and my thoughts. I used to bike to work and that ability to just be one with the bike and the road was just so important to me. I just do not do that anymore. I take the train to work everyday that is not fun and always packed and I hardly move my body in a way that feels like it is just for me! I just have stopped fighting for myself, I didn’t feel like I deserved it. I didn’t like the person I was presenting to the world, to be honest I did not even know that person. 

What happened was, was when I am in this place (yes I have been here before) I do not like being with myself. I have incredibly intrusive thoughts and everything just swirls around with no end in sight. It takes a lot of work to get out of here, but I am working hard to get there. There are times where it seems scary because I push away a lot of people during these times, people that I love and deeply care about because I need to fully cleanse, reach inside myself and find myself. 

I have had a big revelation this month and it has helped me realize that I ultimately believe that everything is going to be okay, it always is. I will figure out my work life balance in this job or find a new one that may actually allow me to focus on my own mental health without holding onto 6 other people’s. I have also already started making very positive changes and I am seeing effects. Starting this blog for one has been incredibly helpful, I am able to share with the world my love for art making and it is forcing me to create something new each week! My cousin also got me a Happiness Planner that I have been journaling in every night of 1 thing that makes me happy and answering some questions around the concept of happiness. I bought a sketch book with all new markers, colored pencils and pens to start making art daily/ more often. I have decided to switch my workout schedule to more morning workouts so I cannot miss them if I have to work late/ if something happens. I am scheduling date nights with KC to spend more ~ quality ~ time together. Yes, I decided to make some big drastic changes, but not any that are too far away from where I was 6 months ago. I read an article recently about how to get your happiness back and it stated that carving out time to do things you love everyday is important. I thought to myself that I hardly have time to do such things, but I cannot see how that makes sense. I once had time, where did my time go? It didn’t go anywhere, it is still here, I just forgot how to use it! So carving out more time for the things and people I love is exactly what I am going to be doing!!! The key word here is ME. I am going to start taking the time to be with myself doing the things I love and working towards becoming the best version of myself. I just have to keep reminding myself that right now I may be small but I am growing.